The Sleeping Giant in the Church

by Les and Leslie Parrott

Thursday, November 19, 2009

In his book Did You Spot the Gorilla? Richard Wiseman describes an experiment in which volunteers watched a thirty-second video of two teams playing basketball and were asked to count the number of times one of the teams passed the ball. They weren't told that halfway through the video a man dressed in a gorilla suit would run onto the court, stand in front of the camera, and beat his chest. Amazingly only a few volunteers spotted the man in the gorilla suit. Most of the volunteers were so intent on counting passes that they completely missed the gorilla. Wiseman concluded that most people go through life so focused on the task at hand that they completely miss what would otherwise be obvious.

Has the church fallen victim to this same phenomenon? Are we blind to the gorilla of marriage mentoring? After all, it's a slumbering giant visible in every congregation-a team of couples who have what it takes to make a powerful impact on marriages around them. And yet, for the most part, they haven't been tapped. A growing number of Nazarenes intend to change all that.

We want to awaken the sleeping giant of marriage mentors in our churches and, through relationships, enable them to seize an opportunity that has been too long neglected.

Would It Make a Difference?

On any given weekend, countless couples file into churches across the country, looking their best, and quietly keeping their marriage problems to themselves. The stigma of counseling may be keeping them from seeking help. Or they may feel alone, thinking that nobody else would understand.

Honestly, some of these couples are going down. Their marriages are hurting and nobody has recognized their signals for help-or if anyone has noticed the signals, they don't feel it's their place to step in.

Surely you've witnessed a painful divorce. You've seen the newlywed couple, full of promise, whose marriage is short-lived because they didn't get a solid start.

Now, think of the difference it would make if these couples could have been linked with other more seasoned and experienced couples. Would it make any difference? You bet. How do we know? We've been recruiting, screening, and training couples to become "marriage mentors" for more than a decade. We've heard their stories. We've done the research. Marriage mentoring works.

Do Nazarenes Need Marriage Mentoring?

Consider the facts. Christians and non-Christians appear to be no different when it comes to divorce.

According to a study by the Barna Group, in America, 35 percent of "born again" Christians and 35 percent of non-Christians have experienced divorce. However, according to a 2005 poll of members of the Church of the Nazarene, active, committed Nazarene Christians are not as likely to divorce as non-Christians. Married members of the Church of the Nazarene have a 12 percent better chance of retaining their marital bonds than those reported by the Barna Group.

Why is this? If you ask the Association of Nazarene Sociologists and Researchers, they'll tell you that it's due in large part to couples being involved in local congregations. And that's where marriage mentoring comes in-in the relationships developed in our churches.

America alone boasts nearly 400,000 churches. If just one-third of these churches would recruit and train ten mentor couples each, we would have one million marriage mentors. Think of the difference that would make!

With a mighty band of marriage mentors we could surely reduce the 1.2 million marriages that end in divorce each year. And think of the marriages that could move from good to great if these couples only had someone with more experience to walk beside them. Actually, they can.

Every congregation, no matter how big or small, can waken marriage mentors in its midst. After all, we Nazarenes are already doing better than many denominations in the areas of discipleship and church involvement. Think of the difference we can make if we become proactive about marriage mentoring!

We Must Do Something

One morning, near the turn of the twentieth century, Bramwell Booth visited his elderly father and founder of the Salvation Army, William Booth. "Bramwell, did you know that men slept out all night on the bridges?" William asked. He had arrived in London the night before from the south of England and crossed the capital to reach his home.

"Well, yes," Bramwell replied, "a lot of poor fellows, I suppose, do that."

"Then go and do something!" William said. "We must do something."

"What can we do?"

"Get them shelter."

"That will cost money."

"Something must be done. Get hold of a warehouse and warm it, and find something to cover them!" the elder Booth insisted.

That was the beginning of the Salvation Army shelters. If William Booth were still alive today he just might have the same passion to "do something" about the sad state of marriage. And make no mistake about it, the state of marriage is sad.

We've all heard the startling divorce statistics. It gets a little closer to home when you ask members of an average congregation to raise their hands if they, a family member, or friend have suffered a divorce. Nearly every hand goes up. We all know something needs to be done, but for the most part we haven't known what to do. Or worse, we think very little or nothing can be done.

But something can be done. And something is already being done in many churches around North America. We hope your church is one of them.

Les and Leslie Parrott are the founders of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University and the authors of The Complete Guide to Marriage Mentoring. Visit their website at www.RealRelationships.com for marriage mentoring resources.

Holiness Today March/April 2006

 

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