"I've had an affair." How can a couple move forward after a partner declares those painful words?
Infidelity: Making Right What's Gone Wrong
By Les and Leslie Parrott
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Every marriage has a story, a plot twist, a critical moment that changes everything. Like a horrific storm leaving a scarred tree behind, the event leaves its mark in ways that will never allow us to forget it. A few words now color our entire lives:

Tom had to go to war.
We lost the money when the market crashed.
The doctor says we can't have children.
A twister ripped through our house.

A single sentence completely alters a couple's narrative. The love story they were writing will never be the same-especially when that sentence is "I've had an affair."
"What I am writing will shock you, but I'm tired of living lies. I had an affair with a man at work. He's younger than me and I guess I got pulled in by his compliments and flirting. Anyway, I can't pretend any longer. I wanted you to know the truth. If I had more courage I'd tell you in person, but this note is the best I can do. I'm truly sorry. I know I've hurt you and I never wanted to do that."
With this small note, the world falls off its axis, self-esteem shatters, lives fall apart, and an unsuspecting spouse is left trying to pick up the pieces. Everything that was stable has been rocked by infidelity.

The latest research shows that about 24 percent of men and 14 percent of women have had sex outside their marriages. Some argue that these numbers are far too low compared to previous studies.

Although the findings are hotly debated, none of that really matters if infidelity has hit your home. All you care about is recovering from a powerful punch to the solar plexus of your relationship. You wonder, "Is it even possible to recover?"

The answer is yes. If two people are willing to slog through the pain and anger of this devastating experience they can save their marriage. Countless couples are living testimonies to the fact that a relationship jolted by unfaithfulness can be restored. We've talked to dozens of them and here are some of the helpful suggestions we've gleaned. 

To the spouse who had the affair:
  • First, sever all contact with the third party immediately. Establish clear boundaries if you want to rebuild the trust you have broken with your partner.
  • You must be willing to answer any questions from your spouse. This is not because your partner needs to know all the details, but he or she needs to know you are willing to give the details. It shows respect, honor, and equality. It shows that you can be trusted in the future.
To the spouse who has remained faithful:
  • Only ask questions if you really want the truth. Some things may be better left alone if you can do it. You must also avoid the temptation down the road to use any information you ask for as a way to beat up your partner for other problems.
  • It may take years to absorb the emotional impact of what has happened. Adultery is not something you can get over quickly. It's important to give yourself plenty of recovery time. The number one goal for both partners is to rebuild trust. 
In the weeks and months after Susan's husband, Larry, had an affair, she found herself doubting him any time he was late coming home or not available when she called him at work. For years she had never questioned him about those things, but with his infidelity fresh in her mind, she had a hard time believing his explanations. To build trust, Larry worked on changing his pattern. He tried to let Susan know if he was going out later than usual or away from the office. After a while, though, having to check in with his wife began to make him feel stifled and controlled. By then Susan could see Larry's efforts to be accountable, so she didn't need to check on him so much. After that, Larry's calls became an act of love rather than duty.

Catherine and Walter changed some behaviors too. Walter told Catherine the time of day when he typically felt tempted. They agreed that he could call her for encouragement any time his mind began to wander into improper fantasies. Eventually, these calls became opportunities to express their love and passion for each other instead of just updating Catherine on his struggle.

It's incredible to see what once appeared to be an irreparable wound transformed into a catalyst for growth in marriage. If you are struggling with a betrayal of trust, know that you are already living with the "worse" in "for better or worse." With God's help and healing, even the most serious betrayal can be overcome when you make right what has gone wrong.

Les and Leslie Parrott are founders of RealRelationships.com, co-creators of eHarmony Marriage, and the authors of Your Time Starved Marriage. Visit RealRelationships.com. 

Holiness Today September/October 2007
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